What the hell does heaven look like? White? Fluffy clouds? Shiny towers? Whatever that mysterious place holds, it's probably pretty grand. At least that's how the Bible paints it. And what about hell? What the hell does that look like? Red? Fiery rivers? Cavernous pits? Sounds pretty appealing, right? Not so much. Unless, that is, you're really into fake-baking and spelunking...for the rest of eternity. The hell of the Bible seems pretty gruesome if you ask me. At least the hell of Milton's 'Paradise Lost' has a capital city (named Pandaemonium, how cool is that?) with a charming palace where all the fallen angels can sit back and relax in their eternal damnation. But when you look out the window, you're graced with a view of fire, lava, smog and just hot, dirty things in general. No, not those hot, dirty things, you perverted human. But if hell is the final place for sinners, wouldn't you think it'd be filled with all things sinful, including, you got it, the hot, dirty things all of us perverted humans enjoy?
Too bad we'll never really know. At least not until we arrive at the check-in counter.
Let's make some claims: God wants people to be righteous and come to heaven. Satan wants people to be sinful and come to hell. And so begins the battle for human souls. Satan, in true satanic fashion, wants to one-up that Almighty guy in the sky by getting more people to come to hell than the number of people who go to heaven. And these days, that doesn't seem like a challenge at all. So let me ask you this: if Satan wants you to come to hell, wouldn't it be logical for him to make it a fun and comfortable place for the whole family? Religious propaganda doesn't leave any room for Satan to advertise. The only advertising the poor guy can do is tempt you into a life of sin, which will surely earn you a one-way ticket to his humble abode.
So you arrive in that hot, dirty place thinking you're going to have to spend the rest of eternity in agonizing pain and despair.
"Hi, I'm Bob, I distributed pornography."
According to mainstream religious media, Satan's reply would be something like: "You horrible, evil sinner! How dare you do all those bad things! You must be punished because that is God's rule! This way to your personal torture chamber."
God Shmod. That guy doesn't make the rules here. This is Satan's domain. He does things a bit differently. Shall we try again?
"Hi, I'm George, I cheated on my wife."
"George, my friend! Thank you for coming! Your sins are very much appreciated! This way to your luxury suite."
Now, doesn't that make a little more sense? You'd think Satan would be grateful for your presence rather than hell-bent on making you suffer. Why should you be punished for helping him in the battle for human souls?
You shouldn't. In fact, when exploring your luxury suite in one of hell's five-star hotels, you wouldn't find a Bible in the drawer of the nightstand. You'd probably find Playboy. And we all know how many red-blooded males would choose the ladies of the Bible over the Playboy bunnies. And for all the women out there, how many of you would prefer an image of poor Jesus pinned to the cross over a shirtless Brad Pitt? That's what I thought. Hell, in all honesty, should be a really fun place, full of all the questionable things you loved while you were alive: sex, drugs, alcohol, rock and roll, slasher films, the internet, fast food, Michael Jackson, etc.
Please. Satan wouldn't punish you for going against the teachings of God. He'd congratulate you, invite you and your sinner friends over for a beer, lend you his Girls Gone Wild: Hotties of Hell DVD.
And for those who commit real sins like genocide, mass murder, and other things that just aren't cool, I'm talking to you Hitler, Stalin, Ivan the Terrible, Nero, Osama, Saddam, etc, they get eternal detention and a never-ending ban from extra-curricular activities. Because the people they killed probably went to heaven, and that's just not cool in Satan's book.
All of us sinners should look forward to getting hot and dirty in hell - hot and dirty in the good way or the bad. It has to be one or the other, right? I suppose we'll just have to wait until we're dead. Might as well live it up while we can. See you in hell.
